Loneliness and Abandonment

Loneliness and abandonment are not the same. Abandonment implies helplessness and even annihilation. An abandoned child will eventually die if they are not rescued, so will an adult who is abandoned, perhaps, in a desert or on a deserted island. But a child can ‘cease to be’ if it feels emotionally abandoned, even if its physical needs are met. This child grows up searching for itself, often in others (see Codependency), or holding other people at bay because he/she doesn’t know who they are and fears losing an already weak identity; fears being taken over or overwhelmed by someone else’s.

It’s natural to be lonely if you don’t have enough social interaction. After all, we are social beings. It’s possible to spend long periods in solitude, especially if you have a need to do this. If you are strong enough emotionally, if you have a strong enough sense of self, you can enjoy this experience. But, for most of us in ‘normal’ or ‘general’ circumstances, we do need other people; we need relationships.

Although periods of solitude can be highly creative, and may even be necessary for creativity, loneliness can be debilitating and restrict your creativity. Loneliness isn’t something to be feared, but maybe to be remedied. This is within your power. It is the fear of abandonment, coming from your childhood experience, which makes you feel powerless. This fear can make you cling to unsuitable relationships that restrict your creativity because they drain, or at least, demand your energy. Or you can attempt to control the fear by withdrawing and withholding from relationships. This ultimately makes you lonelier – as does does the compulsive and addictive behaviours you may adopt to kill the pain of legitimate loneliness.

If you can balance the fear you still carry from childhood abandonment with the very genuine need for human interaction in the present, you will be able to let go of your addictive, and destructive, behaviours. The paradox is, if you let go of these behaviours, even though you create a vacuum for a short while, you will love yourself more and therefore attract the relationships you crave – as well as feeling less lonely because you are enjoying your own company. If you forgive your childhood abandonment, you will no longer be raging against it, retaliating with destructive behaviours towards yourself and be able to move out of you adult loneliness into fulfilling relationships.