Monday, November 10, 2008
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Codependency
Codependency is in fact dependency, which is an early stage of psychological development. Codependent means immature. Dependence implies a state of helplessness and inability to take responsibility for yourself or make choices. Codependents believe they are helpless and avoid taking responsibility for themselves or making decisions. They try to live their lives through other people, paradoxically, often trying to take responsibility for them.
Codependents have no sense of self, so they try to get their identity through someone else. They lack purpose. The other person becomes their purpose. In this way they vicariously get their needs met.
If you have grown up without a sense of self, you will most likely be codependent. You will not have matured beyond dependence. You may USE other people, substances, behaviours to avoid the pain and the emptiness you feel.
Or you may attempt to hide your feelings of inadequacy by being what I call pseudo-independent – aloof, superior and claiming not to need anybody. This is known as counterdependence. In fact, you can’t be counterdependent unless you have someone dependent on you – so you are not truly independent, which is the next stage of development; you NEED the other person to enable you, to support the way you disguise your own dependency. But it is dependency none the less because you have not grown out of it yet.
Codependents have no sense of self, so they try to get their identity through someone else. They lack purpose. The other person becomes their purpose. In this way they vicariously get their needs met.
If you have grown up without a sense of self, you will most likely be codependent. You will not have matured beyond dependence. You may USE other people, substances, behaviours to avoid the pain and the emptiness you feel.
Or you may attempt to hide your feelings of inadequacy by being what I call pseudo-independent – aloof, superior and claiming not to need anybody. This is known as counterdependence. In fact, you can’t be counterdependent unless you have someone dependent on you – so you are not truly independent, which is the next stage of development; you NEED the other person to enable you, to support the way you disguise your own dependency. But it is dependency none the less because you have not grown out of it yet.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Resentment
Resentment is like onions. It repeats. It lies in the gut and stagnates. This stagnation causes stasis; it stops you moving forward. You are holding on to undigested feelings related to events form the past. This is poor emotional hygiene. You carry resentment around as a grudge. But you don’t do anything about it. It shows in your body language. Resentment keeps you impotent, although it may give you a false sense of power – something bitter to hold on to.
Because resentment, unexpressed anger, is toxic, it is stored in your body. It makes you sick, often overweight because toxins are stored in fat, and toxic emotions create toxic chemicals in the blood. At the least your functioning and relating is less than optimum. You carry resentment from when you were too young or too afraid to be able to articulate anger. You grow up with the habit of not speaking up. Resentment stored in the gut affects digestion, assimilation of nutrients and fat accumulation. Hence fat in that area is the most difficult to shift.
If you are carrying resentment, you grew up with the habit of not articulating or communicating, even though you can. When you articulate your anger and resentment you can convert it into creative action, understanding and acceptance. Held resentment poisons relationships.
Because resentment, unexpressed anger, is toxic, it is stored in your body. It makes you sick, often overweight because toxins are stored in fat, and toxic emotions create toxic chemicals in the blood. At the least your functioning and relating is less than optimum. You carry resentment from when you were too young or too afraid to be able to articulate anger. You grow up with the habit of not speaking up. Resentment stored in the gut affects digestion, assimilation of nutrients and fat accumulation. Hence fat in that area is the most difficult to shift.
If you are carrying resentment, you grew up with the habit of not articulating or communicating, even though you can. When you articulate your anger and resentment you can convert it into creative action, understanding and acceptance. Held resentment poisons relationships.
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