Boundaries

Boundaries are not barriers. They protect. They do not defend. If boundaries were defences, you would constantly be at war. A boundary is like a semi-permeable membrane. It keeps out what you don’t want but lets in what you do. Barriers block everything – they let nothing in and nothing out. You get no nourishment and you cannot share anything.

Making a boundary is a loving decision. It lets other people know where they stand with you. Conversely, not making a boundary is unkind, to yourself and others. ‘No’ is a boundary and also a complete sentence.

If you feel angry, it’s time to make a boundary, to say where you stand, what you want and what you don’t. Expressing anger is making a boundary and you have a right to do that.

You state your limitations when you make a boundary. It is helpful to others to know where your limits are. Limits are not restrictions. Healthy boundaries are flexible; they are there for your safety and the safety of others. Boundaries are your choice, based on judgement and discrimination; you have a right to make them.

You use boundaries to contain, not to control; and to separate and define yourself. You use them to maintain your integrity. They are an act of discipline.

Rage and Anger

When I hear the expression anger management, I get angry, because this is in fact rage management. Anger and rage are not the same. Anger is clear and clean and assertive. Rage is impotent. It is a reaction against the pain of helplessness. Rage is a very early emotion. It is a temper tantrum. But you carry it through into adult life, believing you are helpless when you are not and then behaving accordingly.

Because of its impotence, rage in ineffective. It doesn’t get resolved. It explodes, loud and hot and uncontrolled – or it implodes, turns inwards and becomes self destructive. Anger is cool and calm and constructive. Rage is inarticulate because it is pre-verbal, but anger can be expressed in meaningful and effective words. That is why rage is self-perpetuating, continuous, circular, because you are not heard and not taken seriously; you do not take yourself seriously or say what you want.

Rage can be converted into anger if you direct it constructively. Just as a child having a tantrum can calmly be asked what it is they want; in other words what they feel helpless about, so you can ask yourself what you feel helpless about, what you want, and then ask for it or find ways to get it for yourself.

You are never as helpless as you believe you are. You are far more potent when you identify the pain you are raging AGAINST and turn it into anger ABOUT and then articulate that anger, say what your needs are. Then you have the power to resolve it. And it works.

Sharing Emotions

Sharing emotions is an act of love. Even sharing anger is loving. Conversely, holding back what you are feeling is mean, miserly and unkind in the end.

The ideal in loving relationships is heart to heart communication. If anger is in your heart, then share it. Anger is clear and clean – and I don’t mean rage here. To express anger is to clear the air. Holding onto anger leads to bad feeling. It doesn’t give the other person the opportunity to know where they stand with you or to make amends. It also makes them feel guilty without knowing what they have done wrong.

They will feel your hostility because your anger will ferment and stagnate into resentment. This is unsettling. Resentment is unhealthy in relationships and needs to be aired – without blame.

If you love someone close to you, it’s very likely you would tell them. Then why not tell them if you are angry. This makes a clear boundary. Boundaries make for healthy and functional relationships. So, if you want your relationship to work, get your anger off your chest. It’s magical and transformative.