Codependency

Codependency is in fact dependency, which is an early stage of psychological development. Codependent means immature. Dependence implies a state of helplessness and inability to take responsibility for yourself or make choices. Codependents believe they are helpless and avoid taking responsibility for themselves or making decisions. They try to live their lives through other people, paradoxically, often trying to take responsibility for them.

Codependents have no sense of self, so they try to get their identity through someone else. They lack purpose. The other person becomes their purpose. In this way they vicariously get their needs met.

If you have grown up without a sense of self, you will most likely be codependent. You will not have matured beyond dependence. You may USE other people, substances, behaviours to avoid the pain and the emptiness you feel.

Or you may attempt to hide your feelings of inadequacy by being what I call pseudo-independent – aloof, superior and claiming not to need anybody. This is known as counterdependence. In fact, you can’t be counterdependent unless you have someone dependent on you – so you are not truly independent, which is the next stage of development; you NEED the other person to enable you, to support the way you disguise your own dependency. But it is dependency none the less because you have not grown out of it yet.